Finding My Support

Ever feel like you are alone? That the imposter syndrome is in high drive? That there is no right path for ourselves? Well, I have been there. Many times. 

When I was in high school, I deemed myself a loner at the end. I had a 'friend' use me. She would make me go out with her so she could lie to her parents about her whereabouts. When we went to the parks, she  ditched me to go makeout with her boyfriend of the month. Respect is a big thing in friendships. I never had it there. Later, I did make friends with theater kids. They were my type of crazy. I loved hanging out with them. However, my mother did not. She wanted this preppy 'normal' girl. We had many issues, there was a divide between us. I wanted to grow into a person I love and not what others wanted. Sadly with a teenage mind and family differences, I wasn't the best friend I should have been with them. I closed myself off not understanding their own issues. When it was time for college, we barely had any contact. I hung out with other people trying to fit into a group. I got my first true boyfriend. I spent as much time away as I could from my family. 

I thought I was happy, but then everything twisted and turned. I failed out of college. My boyfriend and I broke up. No one reached out to me. All the friends I thought I had disappeared and I was alone. I quit my part time job, got myself full time, and took a year off school to figure out what to do next. It was a tough year. I felt like I had no one in my corner. My parents didn't understand what was going through my head. As many older southern generations, mental health wasn't discussed in households. They believed I needed to attend church more and get over the failures. They didn't understand the loneliness I was feeling. 

In time I did make more friends, and return to school in a more technical way. I was never good at traditional schooling, so a more hands- on approach seems better. I started to enjoy my classes. I still had a full time job on top of my classes. With the hours I was pulling, I was barely home. Sometimes I sleep in my car or friend's place to help with the commute since my family house was over an hour drive to the city. With everything, the stress was intense but I was doing it. I was determined to get where I was going. My friends were there, but they had their own issues. Fixing past mistakes, I tried to listen and help when I could. 

One friend, Mark, loved to go to concerts and wanted to travel. They were also in a one sided relationship. I gave my advice, but they never took it. I listened to them nonstop about their life. However, they never listened to mine. Have you ever had people that said they are a realist but they were really a pessimist? Yeah, they are real fun to have around, but I stayed with them. From the group of friends with another outgoing individual, Penny. They were also in a toxic relationship. She and her guy were high school sweethearts. They were cute together, but people change as they grow up. They start exploring the world around them. As she became more free, he stayed stuck in his ways. Over time they yelled and fought, there was even a child that wrecked my world (in a good way). I was there to help during the tough times and lend the most support I could give. Eventually with both parties, both my friends, it became a matter of my happiness and mental health. They were abusing my kindness. I had to cut ties. 

There are moments in life where you need to learn where a friendship failed, whether with issues you didn’t try to fix or instances where you had to let go. Finding your people is hard. I’ve tried so hard. I felt so alone and I still do at times. When your people do show up, it’s a great feeling. I have two people now. One I had since I was a child, we parted ways so many times but we keep ending up together. I wish I was there for their worst moments, but I honestly don’t know how I would have handled it back then. I was so immature and selfish at the time. They weren’t there for me either, but we talked about it. Somehow, we came together at the right moments in life. Sapphire is my best friend. No matter the time and distance, when we reconnect it feels like time never passes between us. My other person, Ruby, is also someone special. I met them through Mark actually. We went to a concert as a group together. Then with Sapphire and more friends, we went to New Orleans together. At the time, she was a nice person to have around. I didn’t know we would become best friends. Romantically, Sapphire and Ruby started talking after the trip. Next thing I know they are moving in together and being too cute for words. 

During this time I was dealing with the drama of Penny, Sapphire who was leaving me to move out to be with Ruby, and Penny moved in to separate from her ex. It was a difficult time. My head space was not great. I was juggling two jobs plus helping out with a toddler and managing the household. I had so much happening and so little time. I didn’t want to invade Sapphire's and Ruby’s little happiness with my drama, but they insisted i wasn't a bother. They got me away, talked me off the ledge, and cared for me. Because at the tail end of the drama, I was lonely in the relationship department, I lost my full time income job, and my house was a consent wreck. If you know anything about mental health, having your personal bubble in a state of chaos is not healthy. 

Sapphire and Ruby got me through it. They help clean after Penny leaves. They fed me meals when I couldn’t afford it. They kept me from feeling alone. They have been supporting me in my writing dreams and encouraging me to adventure out. Over the years we grew into our own little family. In the next year, we will actually be moving into a house together. We are all excited to be together again. They are my support. They are my chosen family.